During the discernment process I undertook during this 30-day retreat, I brought all my longings, joys, sorrows, challenges, and hopes for growth in faith into my prayers, especially the experience of God's love within the Xaverian missionary family.
In 2018, I received the grace of joy for my first vows within the Xaverian family. I still remember the promise I made before the Blessed Virgin Mary during my end-of-year novitiate retreat, that this first vow was the offering of my life forever. I have no doubt about it, for I believe that God loved me first, nurtured me through every stage of my life, until I finally felt that what I could offer Him was the offering of my life as a Xaverian missionary-religious.
I am aware of that feeling, and especially in this retreat, I am invited to look back at how God's love works in my life, both in the joys and sorrows of my life. I have experienced many miracles, received much support, and found much love and hope from many people through God's love. There have also been sorrows from rejection, childhood trauma, mockery from those who hate me, and other challenges that have been present and shaped the course of my life. However, from all of this, I ask myself, “What can I find in all of this?” Indeed, God’s love! God’s love that leaves me without doubt about this choice of life. I, in the end, found the treasure hidden within my fragile clay vessel. In line with the life of St. Paul, God’s love has taken hold of me, hidden within this fragile self of mine. In his letter to the Galatians, I pray and agree with Paul’s experience, as if I were in the same situation: God who called me from my mother’s womb and gave me great grace (cf. Gal. 1:15).
Through the basic formation process (Postulancy, Novitiate, Philosophy, Pastoral Year, and International Theology) up to the present, I feel I have grown in faith to see, seek, and love God within the Xaverian community. Through community life, missionary work, philosophical-theological studies, and a life of prayer, I have discovered my identity in line with the human face of the Xaverians: joyful, generous, a sense of belonging to the community, creative, love for the Xaverian missionary family, humble, curious about new things, and joyful in living out the missionary spirit toward non-Christians. However, I am also aware that there are some areas I need to work on: being a lone fighter, lacking confidence in expressing my talents and interests, speaking harshly to fellow brothers, and failing to appreciate the talents and gifts of others. I am grateful that these weaknesses were identified through personal prayers and fraternal correction from my fellow brothers in the community. I found a blessing there, that I am not walking alone, but growing together with God and my fellow brothers.
Another important point is that living in unity with missionaries and religious has greatly helped me to be open to God's will, especially in imitating and following the life of Christ, who was poor, pure, and obedient to the Father in order to proclaim the Kingdom of God to all people. Thus, the words of our Founder are true, and I believe them: “The apostolic life, combined with the profession of the religious vows, is in itself the most perfect life possible according to the Gospel.” (LT 2).
With this gratitude, I am proud to be a Xaverian. In this regard, I am reminded in prayer (contemplation) of Jesus’ question to Peter, “Do you love me?” (John 21:15-19). Three times the same question was answered with certainty, yet with clear awareness from Peter, “Lord, you know everything, and yes, I love you.” Jesus, in my prayer, does not ask for something greater than human strength; He only asks for human commitment to love Him more than anything else. With that great love, Jesus also asked for my commitment through a very profound question: “Do you truly love me, or is it merely a love for your desire to become a Xaverian?” That question drew me deep into my heart, and I was surprised by it. Jesus, who called and loved me first, asked for a more essential commitment: love Me first! So, I answered Him in prayer, “Yes, Jesus, You know the whole contents of my heart, my thoughts, and my desires, especially to become a Xaverian. However, I forgot that my commitment is to love You above all else. Since You loved me first, let me, with all my heart and mind, my strengths and weaknesses, love You through this offering of my life. I trust in You, Lord.”
