Amid this pandemic of the COVID-19, each one of us has experienced many trials that perhaps may have changed our lives in a such way that we will never forget it. For me, it is not easy to say the experience I had here in the Philippines with the Enhance Community Quarantine. During this time of Quarantine, I had to be in self-isolation for two times. First, I was isolated for 21 days at home and 21 days at the Quezon City Government Quarantine Facility (HOPE 2) for Patients Under Investigation (PUI) and Positive cases of COVID-19. In those days of self-isolation at home were not so difficult or challenging for me. Even though I was isolated from the community, I could see my brothers every day from my windows; I could talk to them and sometimes some of them would come to my room's door to visit and to bring Holy Communion. All of these gave me the strength to face the challenges I was going through despite the isolation. The fear of being discriminated by the community or fear of infecting someone made me sad and suffer; however, the support of my community helped me to feel loved.
In those days at home, I may have suffered from fever, cough, sore throat, chest pain, but what made me suffer more were fear, anxiety, and loneliness. When I was transferred to the Quarantine facility HOPE 2, I had to deal with these feelings which were becoming my burden affecting my spiritual, psychological, and physical life. There were certain moments that I could not pray, I could not feel anything during my prayers. It was as if God was not there with me. I felt that not only I was left alone but also there was not my community anymore, even though I knew that they were there at home praying for me and many texting or calling me. I also felt that I was being abandoned by God because I could not feel his presence in my life. For several times, I wanted to hear the Words of Jesus to the disciples when He was walking on the water: “Take heart, It is I; do not be afraid” (Mt. 14: 27) or to hear God saying to me “do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious hand” (Isa. 41:10), but there was nothing. In that place, I was not only alone, but I was also feeling lonely. It was for me the worse feeling that I have felt in my life. I spent sleepless nights crying and claiming for help like Peter saying: "Lord, save me" (Mt. 14:30).
I hold on my prayers, especially the Holy Rosary, even though I could not feel His presence in my life and in my prayers, but I knew He was there with me, that He would never abandon me and let me sink in that despairing situation. I could notice it when someone of my community called me asking if I wanted to read a book. He asked what he could send to me. I just say for him to choose any book of my favorite author; Henri Nouwen. I was really surprised with the book that my brother had sent to me. He sent me the book entitled "Finding my way home: pathways to life and spirit" by Henri Nouwen.
This book not only alleviated my boring time in the Quarantine Facility, but it also helped me to find my way back to God, to feel his presence in my life again, to restore my spiritual life. My fear, anxiety, impatience, and loneliness were making me sink into despair and God helped me to trust in Him through a simple book. It was my fear that made me anxious and impatient and made my waiting and longing to go home become longer. As Henri says: the more afraid we are, the harder waiting becomes” (Finding my way home, p. 94). When I received the book, the first statement I read when I opened it was the words of Saint Paul saying: “My strength is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9). It was as a spark of fire, lightening up my life. It disturbed me and made me realized my suffering in that place may have a purpose and I had to wait to see it. Henri says that “waiting is a dry desert between where we are and where we want to be” (p. 10). In that moment of my life, I wanted to be in some places; I wanted to be in the arms of my mother; I wanted to be at home with my brothers, etc., but I knew that I had to walk through this desert, to face my fears, impatience, and weakness. I had to fight for my physical and psychological health and my spiritual life.
It was not easy to walk through this desert. I had many ups and downs, especially because of the confusion with the first result of my swab test that was never coming because of a miscommunication somewhere between the laboratory, city government, and the Quarantine Facility. Because of this, I had to make a second swab test which made me more anxious, impatient in that place because I was there already for 18 days waiting for this result. Thank God that after three days, with the bits of help and constant persistence one of the results of the tests arrived and I could finally go back home. At this moment, the Words of Jesus through the words of Henri echoed in my mind saying: "Don't be afraid, you are safe. I am going to bring you home. You belong to me, and I belong to you” (p. 124).
For me, going home was so thrilling because I knew that my brothers in the community were waiting for me. We had waited together for so long to be finally reunited as one single family. Henri showed me that “waiting together with family and friends is better than waiting alone" (p. 103). I am thankful to my brothers, friends, and my mother that had waited with me.
However, although there was excitement about going home, there was also fear and doubts. Fear of how my brothers would welcome me or see my presence in the community. There were a lot of questions in my mind because even though the test was negative, I was afraid of infecting some of my brothers in the community. I was afraid of being rejected by them on my arrival at home. Yet, they showed an unexpected kindness. They welcomed me in the community and helped to readjust to my "new life in the community. In them, I saw Jesus saying to me "take heart…; do not be afraid" (Mt. 14:27). Those days that I was isolated, I learned that in our lives there are situations that no one can help us to overcome, but only you can do it. There I had to overcome my fears, my loneliness, and found the meaning of my life. I learned also that there are situations that we cannot overcome alone, but with the help of those who love and are around us. God showed me that He has many ways to reach out His hand and save us (cf. Mt. 14: 30).
First of all, I am thankful to God for helping and giving me strength to bear all these situations. I am thankful to my Xaverian Family around the world for their support and prayers, and I want to give a special thanks to the Xaverian Delegation of the Philippines and my brothers of the International Theologate of Manila. I also give thanks to my family in Brazil and some friends, especially my Mother that since she knew I was sick, isolated, and lonely, she called me every day talking to me for hours just for me do not feel lonely in that place. I give thanks also to our heroes fighting this pandemic, especially the front liners who took care of me at HOPE 2. Thank you all for your support and prayers.
